A strongly worded blog article on the distastefulness of white chocolate or Why white chocolate is all that is wrong with this world.
I tried a piece of white chocolate today and what can I say other than my particularly low expectations have left me immeasurably disappointed.
First of all, white chocolate, as if we should even be calling it that, is the only one of three chocolate varieties to exempt cocoa powder in its making. Indeed, contrary to both dark chocolate and milk chocolate, so called “white chocolate’s” primary ingredient is cocoa butter. Replacing such a vital element is akin to spreading margarine on a cob. Yes, it can be done, however, if it should be is an entirely different question. Substituting one ingredient for another can only lead to catastrophes, history has proven that much. Whether it is Coca-Cola with corn syrup and sugar or hot chocolate with water and milk, the end result is a vastly inferior product. Simply put, “white chocolate” is a humiliating error that should have been corrected ages ago.
Furthermore, it is said white chocolate is the primary factor in triggering Xocolataphobia, the fear of chocolates. How can a seemingly impossible phobia develop you ask? Simple, a young child promised chocolate for being good is rewarded, yet the gift is white. Hesitantly, he asks his parents if the substance truly is chocolate, and to which they mercilessly deceive him by saying yes. Wholly entrusting his mother and father’s word, the child engorges in the “white chocolate,” only to find an unholy abomination with a poached name. Lovecraft merely dreamt of unleashing such wicked horror unto an individual soul. Barbarous and tyrannical acts like these go unpunished, but in that instant an xocolataphobist is born.
Thirdly, “white chocolate’s” taste, put straightforwardly, is downright utterly atrocious. Few things can compare to its appalling taste. A “treat” as horrendous as “white chocolate” could have only occurred to some deranged lunatic. Had the demented baker been situated in the 16th century when they came up with the abhorrent dessert, they would have suffered the same fate as a witch in a puritan town. A corruption of an otherwise sweet dessert, the revolting nature of “white chocolate” can only bring forth eternal torment to the masochists who consume it. Words to describe the taste are deliberately too vile to include in an English assignment. Nonetheless, it can be compared to a tastable interpretation of nails being dragged nonchalantly across a blackboard. A hundredfold more abominable than the apple itself, Dante did not even dare include it in his Inferno. Rare are the sinful desserts that can evoke such awful loathing among men.
Suffice to say my day is ruined.
First of all, white chocolate, as if we should even be calling it that, is the only one of three chocolate varieties to exempt cocoa powder in its making. Indeed, contrary to both dark chocolate and milk chocolate, so called “white chocolate’s” primary ingredient is cocoa butter. Replacing such a vital element is akin to spreading margarine on a cob. Yes, it can be done, however, if it should be is an entirely different question. Substituting one ingredient for another can only lead to catastrophes, history has proven that much. Whether it is Coca-Cola with corn syrup and sugar or hot chocolate with water and milk, the end result is a vastly inferior product. Simply put, “white chocolate” is a humiliating error that should have been corrected ages ago.
Furthermore, it is said white chocolate is the primary factor in triggering Xocolataphobia, the fear of chocolates. How can a seemingly impossible phobia develop you ask? Simple, a young child promised chocolate for being good is rewarded, yet the gift is white. Hesitantly, he asks his parents if the substance truly is chocolate, and to which they mercilessly deceive him by saying yes. Wholly entrusting his mother and father’s word, the child engorges in the “white chocolate,” only to find an unholy abomination with a poached name. Lovecraft merely dreamt of unleashing such wicked horror unto an individual soul. Barbarous and tyrannical acts like these go unpunished, but in that instant an xocolataphobist is born.
Thirdly, “white chocolate’s” taste, put straightforwardly, is downright utterly atrocious. Few things can compare to its appalling taste. A “treat” as horrendous as “white chocolate” could have only occurred to some deranged lunatic. Had the demented baker been situated in the 16th century when they came up with the abhorrent dessert, they would have suffered the same fate as a witch in a puritan town. A corruption of an otherwise sweet dessert, the revolting nature of “white chocolate” can only bring forth eternal torment to the masochists who consume it. Words to describe the taste are deliberately too vile to include in an English assignment. Nonetheless, it can be compared to a tastable interpretation of nails being dragged nonchalantly across a blackboard. A hundredfold more abominable than the apple itself, Dante did not even dare include it in his Inferno. Rare are the sinful desserts that can evoke such awful loathing among men.
Suffice to say my day is ruined.